Portland, OR— Musical artist Regina Spektor is already known for her eclectic musical style and unique performances, but she managed to find a new way to shock her fans during last night’s performance in Portland, Oregon’s Aladdin Theater by unexpectedly eating one of them.
While singing her one of her more well-known singles, “Fidelity,” Regina, seated at a piano, paused and began sniffing the air wildly. “Regina Spektor’s pretty weird, and does stuff like add noises to her song, so I thought [sniffing] would be, like, her new song,” stated concert-attendee Bryson Thorpe, 19. He continued, “It sounded real cool. Too bad she just ate that one guy instead.” According to witnesses, after smelling her surroundings, Regina then sprang from her piano bench and lunged into the front row of the audience where she proceeded to consume 24 year old Bo Clark in just one gulp. “Her jaw unhinged. Her throat expanded. It was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen,” said witness Alice Burton. Unlike Burton, others were not so horrified after witnessing Spekor’s only known act of cannibalism to date. Only a few hours after the concert, T-shirts and mugs bearing the words, “I’d Rather be in Regina’s Belly” began to sell out quickly on CafePress, Ebay, and more.
|Spektor: Innocently laughing? |
Or warming up?
Upon engulfing Clark, Spektor roared triumphantly then crawled back to her piano where she proceeded to improvise a new song about her experience eating a human being. Its release is expected on iTunes and Amazon MP3 at the end of this month. According to the lyrics, Clark was not only “yummy” but “very, very, very tasty in [her] mouth.” Security waited patiently backstage for Spektor to complete the song before arresting her as the primary suspect for the murder of Bo Clark.
Clark had attended the concert with his girlfriend, Amber Tessler, who stated she was shocked and saddened by her boyfriend’s departure but was comforted by the fact that he served as inspiration for a new Regina Spektor song. She explained, “If he’s going to die as food, it might as well be for the creation of something so beautiful.”
Clark’s parents are left in the dark as to why Spektor chose their son as a mid-concert snack. Melinda Clark, Bo’s mother, stated she “understood Regina’s artistic rights as a performer” but felt she went “too far” in consuming her first born son. “I mean, she could have just shaken up her chord progression if she wanted so do something new. Or she could have just eaten a sandwich if she was hungry. They have sandwiches backstage you know, a fancy artist like that.” Clark then wept quietly, repeatedly whispering “A sandwich would just make more sense.”
Most fans of Spektor agree that although her decision to consume an audience member of her show is unexpected and frightening, they would be willing to attend future concerts, but likely not close to the stage. "Her whole life, she's only eaten one guy,” stated Thorpe, "I don't see why that should affect her career."
Spektor is currently being held on bail of $1 Million. She has reportedly been refusing standard inmate meals, and is requesting to lick the arm of fellow inmate Randy Cooper instead.
Follow the link below to a live-recorded portion of Spektor’s of post-consumption song: