Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Regina Spektor Eats Fan, Improvises Song

Portland, OR— Musical artist Regina Spektor is already known for her eclectic musical style and unique performances, but she managed to find a new way to shock her fans during last night’s performance in Portland, Oregon’s Aladdin Theater by unexpectedly eating one of them.

While singing her one of her more well-known singles, “Fidelity,” Regina, seated at a piano, paused and began sniffing the air wildly. “Regina Spektor’s pretty weird, and does stuff like add noises to her song, so I thought [sniffing] would be, like, her new song,” stated concert-attendee Bryson Thorpe, 19. He continued, “It sounded real cool. Too bad she just ate that one guy instead.” According to witnesses, after smelling her surroundings, Regina then sprang from her piano bench and lunged into the front row of the audience where she proceeded to consume 24 year old Bo Clark in just one gulp. “Her jaw unhinged. Her throat expanded. It was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen,” said witness Alice Burton. Unlike Burton, others were not so horrified after witnessing Spekor’s only known act of cannibalism to date. Only a few hours after the concert, T-shirts and mugs bearing the words, “I’d Rather be in Regina’s Belly” began to sell out quickly on CafePress, Ebay, and more.
Spektor: Innocently laughing?
Or warming up?

Upon engulfing Clark, Spektor roared triumphantly then crawled back to her piano where she proceeded to improvise a new song about her experience eating a human being. Its release is expected on iTunes and Amazon MP3 at the end of this month. According to the lyrics, Clark was not only “yummy” but “very, very, very tasty in [her] mouth.” Security waited patiently backstage for Spektor to complete the song before arresting her as the primary suspect for the murder of Bo Clark.

Clark had attended the concert with his girlfriend, Amber Tessler, who stated she was shocked and saddened by her boyfriend’s departure but was comforted by the fact that he served as inspiration for a new Regina Spektor song. She explained, “If he’s going to die as food, it might as well be for the creation of something so beautiful.”

Clark’s parents are left in the dark as to why Spektor chose their son as a mid-concert snack.  Melinda Clark, Bo’s mother, stated she “understood Regina’s artistic rights as a performer” but felt she went “too far” in consuming her first born son. “I mean, she could have just shaken up her chord progression if she wanted so do something new. Or she could have just eaten a sandwich if she was hungry. They have sandwiches backstage you know, a fancy artist like that.” Clark then wept quietly, repeatedly whispering “A sandwich would just make more sense.”

Most fans of Spektor agree that although her decision to consume an audience member of her show is unexpected and frightening, they would be willing to attend future concerts, but likely not close to the stage. "Her whole life, she's only eaten one guy,” stated Thorpe, "I don't see why that should affect her career."

Spektor is currently being held on bail of $1 Million. She has reportedly been refusing standard inmate meals, and is requesting to lick the arm of fellow inmate Randy Cooper instead.

Follow the link below to a live-recorded portion of Spektor’s of post-consumption song:

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Entertainment: Justin Bieber releases new album (VIDEO)

Los Angeles, CA- Musical artist Justin Bieber announced the release of a new Christmas album today. Although still in the Summer season, representatives of Bieber state the album will be available for purchase within the next week. Upon mention that it seemed early to release such an album, Bieber stated he was just "so, so excited for Christmas and presents" that he "couldn't even wait one more second" to drop the album. When asked what sort of feedback he anticipated, Bieber responded, "I just really hope Santa's proud!"

You can listen to the first track, Christmas Caroline, here:

What do you think? Let us know in the comments.

Thank you, Craig Bullock, for asking me, completely out of the blue, to make a video as Justin Bieber singing a song called Christmas Caroline in the first place. Thank you, Bryan Gray, for insisting that Craig prove there was a song called Christmas Caroline. Also, thank you, Maria Garnett, for trying to make this go viral. And finally, my goodness...thank you, Internet, for these pictures of Justin Bieber at Christmastime.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Rabbit Becomes Democratic Nominee for US Presidential Election

Washington, D.C. In a surprising twist, The Democratic Party has elected Scuttles, the adorable pet rabbit of Kyle Henderson from Saint Paul, Minnesota, as the Presidential nominee for the Democratic Party rather than the current president of the United States, Barack Obama.

Scuttles (left) with owner, Henderson (right)

The announcement came shortly after the Democratic National Convention, in which Scuttles, 3, was seen sharing a piece of rabbit pellet with a local squirrel, to which all bystanders responded with a synchronized, “Aww.”

President Barack Obama held a press conference the day after. Although he was “disappointed” in the outcome, he stated he fully intends to support Scuttles throughout the election year. “Scuttles is a good rabbit. He is a kind rabbit. I, myself, have witnessed him helping those less fortunate than he by allowing a homeless man to dig through a dumpster before he took his turn. I know he will help those in America that need help.”

Former Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean made a statement last Tuesday expressing “complete faith in Scuttles that he will defend for what the Democratic Party stands for.” Dean continued, “With Obama’s approval rating dropping so rapidly, Democrats simply could not envision throwing him back out into the race again. We needed someone America would love, and someone who truly stands for left-wing policies. And he looks so cute in a mini suit and tie.”

Scuttles does, in fact, seem like the ideal candidate for the Democratic Party. A vegetarian pacifist, Scuttles not only opposes war, but was seen chewing on flowers outside of a Planned Parenthood facility, suggesting his support for the organization.

Owner Kyle Henderson could not be prouder of his pet. “This is awesome! I always thought Scuttles was the best!” Henderson, 11, stated. “He’s the best listener, and he always cuddles with me when I’m sad. If I could vote for him, I would.”

Critics protest that U.S. Presidents are required to be at least 35 years of age and be a U.S. resident for at least 14 years. Lawmakers are looking to amend this requirement. “He’s just so perfect. Look at that little nose. America will love him,” stated House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “I just don’t see how anyone could not vote for a nose like that.”
Joe Lieberman, former Democratic Party member holds different views stating, “This is fucking ludicrous. It’s shit like this that made me leave the party.”

When approached for comment, Scuttles nibbled on a blade of grass, expelled some fecal matter, then hopped in the opposite direction until finally squeezing underneath a nearby fence.

Thank you, Katie Craig, for contributing the wonderful name, Scuttles.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Welcome: A Sincere Letter

Dear reader who is hopefully an editor for The Onion,

My name is Amanda. Once upon a time earlier today, I was reading an article on The Onion. I thought to myself that it would be really cool to write for The Onion. So I researched the only way I know how: I Googled "How to get a job at The Onion." What I found was an article on with some disheartening news. Apparently the answer to "How do you get a job at The Onion?" is:

"You don't, any more than you get a job with your favorite band."

But I've never been one to give up. I've never been one to back down. I get my ass kicked in every fight I've ever been in because I don't know when to quit. Plus, did Obama give up running for president when they said he was too young? Did JFK give up on sending a man to the moon? Did Jimi Hendrix give up when he heard the sweet, sweet melodies of Santana and thought the could never be that great? NO. He picked up that guitar and strummed away into the night. Those great men didn't give up. And neither will I.

So what you will find on this blog is my own attempt at being like you fine people, writing fine (Pulitzer worthy!) news.
I’m completely serious. Please hire me.