Monday, August 8, 2011

Rabbit Becomes Democratic Nominee for US Presidential Election

Washington, D.C. In a surprising twist, The Democratic Party has elected Scuttles, the adorable pet rabbit of Kyle Henderson from Saint Paul, Minnesota, as the Presidential nominee for the Democratic Party rather than the current president of the United States, Barack Obama.


Scuttles (left) with owner, Henderson (right)

The announcement came shortly after the Democratic National Convention, in which Scuttles, 3, was seen sharing a piece of rabbit pellet with a local squirrel, to which all bystanders responded with a synchronized, “Aww.”

President Barack Obama held a press conference the day after. Although he was “disappointed” in the outcome, he stated he fully intends to support Scuttles throughout the election year. “Scuttles is a good rabbit. He is a kind rabbit. I, myself, have witnessed him helping those less fortunate than he by allowing a homeless man to dig through a dumpster before he took his turn. I know he will help those in America that need help.”

Former Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean made a statement last Tuesday expressing “complete faith in Scuttles that he will defend for what the Democratic Party stands for.” Dean continued, “With Obama’s approval rating dropping so rapidly, Democrats simply could not envision throwing him back out into the race again. We needed someone America would love, and someone who truly stands for left-wing policies. And he looks so cute in a mini suit and tie.”

Scuttles does, in fact, seem like the ideal candidate for the Democratic Party. A vegetarian pacifist, Scuttles not only opposes war, but was seen chewing on flowers outside of a Planned Parenthood facility, suggesting his support for the organization.

Owner Kyle Henderson could not be prouder of his pet. “This is awesome! I always thought Scuttles was the best!” Henderson, 11, stated. “He’s the best listener, and he always cuddles with me when I’m sad. If I could vote for him, I would.”

Critics protest that U.S. Presidents are required to be at least 35 years of age and be a U.S. resident for at least 14 years. Lawmakers are looking to amend this requirement. “He’s just so perfect. Look at that little nose. America will love him,” stated House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “I just don’t see how anyone could not vote for a nose like that.”
Joe Lieberman, former Democratic Party member holds different views stating, “This is fucking ludicrous. It’s shit like this that made me leave the party.”

When approached for comment, Scuttles nibbled on a blade of grass, expelled some fecal matter, then hopped in the opposite direction until finally squeezing underneath a nearby fence.

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Thank you, Katie Craig, for contributing the wonderful name, Scuttles.

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